A Change of Direction at 55

For as long as I can remember, going back to at least the age of 9, I have wanted to be a vocational pastor.

And but for a few brief stints in vocational ministry roles, it has not happened. Every time it was like a revolving door. Just when I thought I was in, I was back out again and wondering what happened.

Recently, I have come to the realization–and perhaps I have always known but never wanted to admit it–that I am never going to be a vocational pastor.

Even that is hard to write.

But it’s true. It’s never going to happen. The desire, the sense of calling, is still there, but I know it will not be fulfilled.

And I have been mourning that loss. And I have been struggling with a sense of self that is no longer valid. And I have not been sure what to do with that. For the last couple of weeks I have been walking around in a bit of a haze.

I know people say that if God gives you a desire it means He will fulfill it. But that doesn’t line up with Scripture. There are many in the Bible with deep and abiding desires that are never fulfilled.

I don’t understand that. But I don’t really have to. God does not need to explain Himself to me. I am His and He can do whatever He pleases. And I can trust that whatever it pleases Him to do is good and right and perfect.

And I can trust that He loves me.

But I think my time for mourning the loss is at an end. I love this quote from John Piper…

Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life he’s given you.

I still feel called to shepherd souls but I am coming to believe that my calling is to shepherd souls from inside the arena.

I am not completely certain what that looks like yet. I’m praying and thinking through it. And of course, journaling a lot.

I just know that I want to help other men my age and younger to live intentional lives that honor God. Lives of character and purpose. Lives where everything they do is done in love for God and love for others.

In a way, I am still mourning the loss of something I thought would always be and am now realizing will never be. But I have washed my face, I am trusting God, and I am embracing the life He has given me.